I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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