i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
