i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
