My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
