PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize