I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
And then he peed in my hair
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