Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
