We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
There's always time for handjobs
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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