So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
