it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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