at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
