Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
