quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
