I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
