Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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