sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
smell my finger.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
