I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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