she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
