I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
