You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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