She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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