dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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