Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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