Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
