The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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