are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
