I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
