i love accidental penises.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize