You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
