His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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