Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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