Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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