I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize