Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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