2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize