your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
