My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
