i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
