Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize