I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
