I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
