He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
