I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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