My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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