He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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