My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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