So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So vagazzling was a success
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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