I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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