My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My breasts were aching with rage.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
