I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Pappa wants mamma naked
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
