Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
