I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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