u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
