Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
