woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
