My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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