remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize