Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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