Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize