I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
