after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
