I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
