You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
